This entry isn't going to be a review. It is going to be word vomit. It won't be edited or proof read. It's something I need to say because I have nowhere to say it but I need to. I need to get my jumbled thoughts into coherent sentences. I need to find myself and as always, I do that best with words on a page, pixels on a screen. Bear with, it might make sense eventually. You might relate to it. Who knows?
I just finished my degree. I officially can call myself an evolutionary biologist. It's my specialism. It is the thing I am. I have a thing. God, I never thought I'd say that. I never thought I'd reach this point. (not because I'd be dead or anything but because I didn't believe I'd make it to the end of university. It was so damn far away.) But I am. I'm here. 22 with a honours degree and my future stretching ahead like a black abyss.
Well, not quite. I have a future if I want it. I've been accepted onto a teacher training course in Manchester and I spent the first 8 weeks of my summer learning how best to teach physics - my least favourite science. I stepped so far beyond my comfort zone and had an amazing time. I made friends, I had a laugh, I learnt so much and I taught a one hour lesson with two fellow coursemates and I didn't cry or panic - I stood up and carried on. I became a grown up for one hour.
But now, I'm faced with moving out - properly. I'm faced with tough choices and a real life and I'm. so. fucking. terrified you wouldn't believe. Everytime I look for accommodation online (which I put off doing daily), my heart races, my palms sweat and I just can't do it anymore. I can't be a grown up because I want nothing more than to go backwards and think, where the fuck did the time go? How the hell did I end up feeling so lost and alone and panicked?
Everything is swallowing me up. News stories on the television make me feel so anxious and panicked that I just have to remind myself that my idyll in West Yorkshire is going to be fine. Ukrainian missiles won't rain down on me, Ebola isn't going to hit Granny Village HQ and while it sucks to be in Gaza right now for everyone, I'm not and that's okay. I'm not going to Eastern Europe, I'm not going to West Africa, I'm not going to the Middle East and that means I'm safe.
But, I'm learning as the summer progresses. I'm growing and evolving (I suppose it's a pun intended) and becoming a bigger person - literally. I'm finding out who I am and who I want to be and if that person panics and loses it sometimes because the world is quite scary and ageing is too then that's okay. I'm also so scared that will take over my life that I'm not letting it. Everytime the thoughts enter my head, I tell myself that it's okay - if today is all I'm meant to have, I have to live it.
And living it I am. I ran my first charity race this year and I didn't die at the end due to being so unbelievably unfit I don't know how I get up in the morning. 44 minutes 17 - running, walking and jogging a 5K for Cancer Research UK. I went to Copenhagen this last weekend and reconnected with a high school friend who became more awesome than she'd ever been before - we got to know each other again in an amazing city and it was proper, grown up travelling - the kind I've always wanted to do. My wanderlust, a part of me I was scared of because whilst my curiosity and the itch in my pants to move around grows, the world gets scary and takes me with it, was sated for a bit but wasn't panicked. Not wholly. I survived and this time next week, I'll be finishing up four days in my favourite place of them all with my favourite person of them all before going to the USA for my first ever long haul trip.
I'm terrified. of so much. The big things and the little things. TSA, 8 hours in an enclosed space, different rules, tipping in restaurants, 8 hours in a plane, the things you read about in the news. But I'm determined that fear won't rule my life. I can't let it. When I get back, I will find this apartment in Manchester - one I both need but also want. I will live a life more like the summer I've just had. Freer and open. I will be alright with getting older and the idea of being an adult.
I read an amazing book last week called Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom (so, my blog theme did tie in somehow..). If you haven't, I recommend it wholeheartedly. It should change your world if you let it. So much of it was life changing but this quote made all the difference:
"Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be? Is today the day I die?"
- Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
That is what we need to do. It is what I need to do. Live my life like a Buddhist. Be prepared for the inevitable but refuse to let it take over my life. Live my life how I want but be okay with the truth.
I'm probably never going to pass this course of life, but I'm prepared to learn.
I said I'd ramble and ramble I did. Don't hang on for more from me, there might be some, but there might not be.
If you took anything from that, I'm proud. If not, don't worry - it was verbal diarrhoea at best. Thoughts I've been scared to speak but unafraid to type.
Peace and liefs,
A Lost 22-Year Old.
Join me at tumblr and goodreads. Twitter on request.
Follow me on bloglovin'
I'm probably never going to pass this course of life, but I'm prepared to learn.
I said I'd ramble and ramble I did. Don't hang on for more from me, there might be some, but there might not be.
If you took anything from that, I'm proud. If not, don't worry - it was verbal diarrhoea at best. Thoughts I've been scared to speak but unafraid to type.
Peace and liefs,
A Lost 22-Year Old.
Join me at tumblr and goodreads. Twitter on request.
Follow me on bloglovin'
No comments:
Post a Comment